Men, Friendship & Loneliness: Why Making Friends Gets Harder in Your 30s
Sukhmani Khalsa, a pre-licensed social worker who specializes in working with men's issues, started to notice a theme among the clients he's working with: a real unmet need for connection, and some mixed feelings about taking the steps to change it. Sukhmani explains that for many of the men he works with, there's a significant transition from ages 20 to 30, as the environments that often form friendships (college, team sports, and early hobbies for example) become less accessible. "With a lot of the men I work with, they may spend their 30s just focused on work or starting families... And you come home and just kind of 'tune out' on TV or online gaming. Meanwhile women are seen as investing more in friendship and the maintenance of friendship more visibly and consistently."
Research on gender socialization suggests this pattern often traces back to childhood. Many people who were traditionally socialized in masculine ways grow up treating friendship, emotional intimacy, and communication as secondary to work and independent interests instead of as an ongoing, valuable investment in their psycho-social well being. It doesn't seem to be about valuing friendship less or not desiring closeness, as Sukhmani notes: "Many men desire friendships or are not completely fulfilled with online friends only."
The Survey Center on American Life has tracked a well-documented rise in adults reporting they have "no close friends at all," often described as a "friendship recession" rather than a personal failing. Many people heard about "Our Epidemic of Loneliness and Isolation: The U.S. Surgeon General's Advisory on the Healing Effects of Social Connection and Community," released May 2023 by Dr. Vivek Murthy, U.S. Surgeon General, via the Department of Health and Human Services. Murthy notes that even before COVID, about half of American adults were already feeling and experiencing loneliness. People with fewer close, supportive friendships report higher isolation, and researchers have linked that isolation to elevated risks of depression, substance use, and suicide.
The labor that goes into friendship initiation, planning, and maintenance often falls on whichever type of person or partner (if in a partnership) was socialized in childhood to carry it, regardless of gender. Sukhmani explains that many of the men he works with in their 30s are going through life changes such as a divorce, a breakup, or a significant transition in life phase. Many of these individuals relied on their partner to coordinate their social life and events and are now ill equipped to create or sustain connections new or old.
Sukhmani shares that friendship takes significant effort, and that learning how to make friends and maintain these relationships is a skill many people need support with but can improve upon. If this is a pattern you recognize in yourself, whether you're rebuilding your social life after a breakup or just realizing friendship is a skill nobody ever taught you, you don't have to figure it out alone. Sukhmani Khalsa works with men navigating exactly this. Reach out today to schedule a session and start building the connection you're looking for. You can book a free consultation with Sukhmani here.
(A note on framing: this article draws on examples that are largely heteronormative and cisgender, since that's the research base and client population it's pulling from. That doesn't mean the pattern only shows up this way. Who ends up carrying the emotional labor of friendship has more to do with how a person was actually socialized in childhood than with their gender itself, and that socialization doesn't always map neatly onto gender or sexual orientation. Note on systemic barriers: there could certainly be other factors systemically here such as financial barriers or living in a rural location.)
Sources
Office of the Surgeon General (OSG). (2023). Our Epidemic of Loneliness and Isolation: The U.S. Surgeon General's Advisory on the Healing Effects of Social Connection and Community. U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. https://www.hhs.gov/sites/default/files/surgeon-general-social-connection-advisory.pdf
Cox, D. A. (2021). The State of American Friendship: Change, Challenges, and Loss. Survey Center on American Life. https://www.americansurveycenter.org/research/the-state-of-american-friendship-change-challenges-and-loss/
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